I was eighteen years old, and filled with the alarming feeling that there was something very wrong with me. Was everybody else putting on an act? Or were they all in on something that had somehow skipped over me?
It wasn’t that I took issue with people having casual sex if that’s what they wanted to do. But that was exactly it – I didn’t, couldn’t, understand why they wanted to.
I’d heard of the term asexual, but dismissed it out of hand, because I assumed that meant a disgust and revulsion towards sex entirely; and what I felt wasn’t that.
I knew when I had feelings for somebody, I felt attraction.
I just didn’t understand this feeling of attraction towards total strangers, and it felt that everybody around me not only did feel that, but acted upon it weekend after weekend. The idea of joining in this ritual left me feeling panicked.
Defining asexuality as a spectrum is so important. It encompasses a broad range of feelings towards sex, from being completely disinterested, to feeling sexual desire only in certain particular circumstances.
Coming across the term ‘demisexuality’, it was like a lightbulb switched on in my brain. It opened the doors to me searching for more general resources on asexuality, and discovering other terms like ‘greysexual’.
These are terms people within the asexual spectrum use to describe how they feel sexual attraction, but require an emotional bond for that attraction to form. The depth of the bond needed depends on the individual.
Some asexuals very genuinely do not feel sexual attraction whatsoever and are entirely disinterested in sex; but for others, we do feel sexual attraction, but less often than those who are not ace.
Asexuality is a spectrum, and all of us who fall somewhere on that spectrum have different relationships with sex and sexual attraction. Recognising that this spectrum contains multiple experiences can be life changing.
More representation has equalled more discussion around asexuality
In recent years, asexuality has become more represented in the public eye. In the TV show, Heartstopper, the character Isaac steadily discovers he is asexual. Creator of the show and original comic books, Alice Oseman, has spoken out about their asexuality and the need for further representation and understanding of asexuality.
This representation in Heartstopper shows how being asexual can leave you feeling isolated at times, as well as how frustrating it can be to have to explain over and over to others what lack of attraction feels like.
Tulisa Contostavlos recently spoke out about her demisexuality on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. What was gratifying to me about that was the level of understanding she was met with. People genuinely seemed curious and open to listening and understanding.
As the years have gone on, I have stopped viewing my asexuality as something wrong with me, and embraced it as an important part of who I am and how I move through the world. I sit somewhere between demisexual and greysexual, and as a general term identify as being ‘Ace-Spec’.
I’m not entirely sure where I sit between those terms, but I very much know that I fit on the asexual spectrum, and acknowledging my sexuality in that way feels deeply authentic to me.
With further representation and understanding of asexuality, I have been able to understand this more about myself. I’ve reached a point where I feel not only accepting of it, but profoundly lucky that this is how attraction works for me.
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