When people hear about “chosen families”, they often think of people being rejected from their original home. My family loves me, but I still prefer to spend the holidays with my chosen ones.
When I was a child, I remember not feeling free to be myself outside the walls of my room. The lounge and the family sofa didn’t feel like a place for me.
But at the heart of the living room, the sofa is still a place for big conversations and big feelings. When I think about that space now, I don’t feel much fear any more, but there’s still a lot of guilt.
The last time I visited my parents and sat on that sofa, they told me it’s better not to tell Grandpa that I use masculine pronouns, or that I have a different name. That it could hurt him. They told me, “He’d still love you for sure, but he wouldn’t understand”.
I haven’t seen him since then. And I won’t be seeing him this Christmas either, because I’ve decided to choose me.
I’ve chosen not to sit in a room full of people in cozy jumpers calling me by my dead name and misgendering me.
Still, what I hear is that choosing me, my name, and my identity, is hurting people, one way or another. It feels like the direct consequence of loving myself is loving other people less.
I’ve never been that close to my grandad, nor to most of my extended family. But am I losing the chance to get to really know them, and to let them really know me?
I don’t believe in the ‘he’s from a different generation’ argument as a reason not to come out to someone. I believe in humans being empathetic, no matter their background, and being able to share Christmas cake with a grandchild, whatever gender they are. Whatever generation they’re from.
I found my chosen family in a loving, queer community. They are teaching me that choosing me doesn’t mean giving up on my family, or that I love them any less, but just that I’m finally loving myself more.
That’s what I’ll be holding onto as I spend time with my chosen family this Christmas.
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